Is your relationship strong enough? Are you coming to each other or not? How to find out? The clinical psychologist compiled his own checklist and offers to check your relationship at 20 points.
“Often in our culture you can meet the belief that if people really love each other, then they should do everything together! – the clinical psychologist Victoria Rasulova argues. – Imagine porcupines that can never come close to each other. This is a very accurate metaphor: there should be a distance between the partners so that the proximity can be comfortable. «.
Victoria compiled a checklist for those who want to test themselves and their partner for compliance with the concept of «happy couple».
1. Common interests. We often agree on “similarities” when we find that the other shares our interests. Maybe this is a love for the series Netflix, Bulgakov or long walks in the city center.
2. Own desires and hobbies. One loves cars and can watch for hours the reviews of the new auto industry in YouTube. The second loves to listen to classical music and knows all the works of Bach. It is not necessary to divide a partner’s hobbies by 100%. But you need to know and respect the choice of loved ones.
3. Friends are common and their own. Когда отношения развиваются и появляется «мы», партнеры обрастают общими приятелями. They are perceived as conditional «Petrov», and not just as separate light and Dima. However, it is also important to periodically spend time separately: chatting with a friend about cosmetics or quantum physics or fighting a friend in a new FIFA on the Play Station.
4. Basic values. For example, views on the family, children, freedom. There are no correct and wrong values, but it happens that in two people they do not coincide. It is difficult to imagine a harmonious union if one partner welcomes open relationships and polyamoria, and the second stands for a classic monogamous marriage. Or one Childfri, and the other dreams of children.
5. Respect and acceptance. You have views on some aspects of life, but you are tolerant of your partner’s views. In the world cannot be found two identical people. You care about the ecology, sort garbage, and your partner loves coffee from a paper cup. If you respect each other, then such differences will not become a problem for you.
6. Joint leisure. You have a great time separately, even if you miss your partner at the same time.
7. General future. You are planning a joint vacation and going to the concert in the summer. Discuss the wedding or birth of children. In any case, you think about the future and make joint decisions.
8. The ability to survive the gap. Even if the relationship ends, you will survive it. Your life will continue. Relations are an important part of it, but not the only. To live the separation and loss of relationships, as well as your desires and hopes associated with them, is always sad. But sadness will pass, especially if you have friends, close to help. And in a critical situation you can turn to a psychologist.
9. The ability to take care of yourself. You know how to organize your life without a partner. You have where and what to live on, you are able to earn, serve yourself.
10. Physical and sexy proximity. You like his touch and smell, I like to just sit next to it, that is, the physical presence of a partner in your field you feel as something pleasant or neutral.
eleven. The opportunity to abandon intimacy and sex. «I don’t want» – this is a good reason. You should not make love when you do not want to, «if only I did not go left».
12. Caring for a partner. Make tea, prepare breakfast or dinner when there is time for this, opportunity and desire. At the same time, you asked first whether the partner wants just such care. Otherwise, it is likely that you will cause good and benefit when they are not expected from you. And then you should not be offended or pour boiling water into a person, «because it is me so much to care».
13. Ability to take care of guilt. The partner prepared dinner, met from work, gave an expensive gift or covered with a blanket when you fell asleep. Perhaps you did not ask about it. But you are pleased. Therefore, later you will also prepare dinner or make a massage, but not out of a sense of duty, but because you want.
14. The ability to put their interests in the first place. You can sometimes put yourself in the first place and do not feel guilty at the same time. For example, you agreed to watch the movie together in the evening. But you suddenly really wanted to sleep. You calmly propose to transfer the viewing and are not offended if the partner watches the film without you.
15. No sacrifice. You respect his opportunity sometimes to “choose” yourself, even if you don’t like it. For example, husband loves to lie in bed all day on Sunday all day. And you have a passion for morning cleaning on the weekend. But you do not demand to get up from him and cover the bed. Even if you want to put things in order in the bedroom.
16. No violence. There is no physical, psychological or financial abuse. There should not be rudeness, humiliation, use of force or deprivation of money to one partner by another in relations. There is a union of two people choosing to be day after day.
17. There are no attempts to redo, change, “improve” another. Perhaps one of the most difficult points. There is the adoption of a «whole» person with his pros and cons of. For example, your partner lit a cigarette, but you don’t like it. If he does not
smoke at home and does not violate your boundaries – this is his business, he has the right to live as he wants. Or the partner loves to sit at home, but you want to spend time with him in the company of friends.
18. There is no place for control. You do not tell your partner how it is better for him to live. Trust to make your choice and make your mistakes. And you support if he needs it and the way he wants. You will not read correspondence, even if the phone lies unlocked. If you live with a person who is not worthy of trust, then only one question arises: why?
19. Only healthy criticism. You manage to correctly express your dissatisfaction, respectfully and in the form of the I-message: “When you say that you will come home at 21, and come to 23, I feel deceived and worry. Do not do this, please, warn if the plans have changed «.
20. The ability to recognize your mistakes and ask for forgiveness. Each person is mistaken. Sometimes we break into loved ones. But conflicts can benefit your union if you learn to argue correctly. Recognize a mistake and asking for forgiveness aloud is the best way to show that relations are important to you. Do not humiliate and beg for forgiveness, but apologize, explaining what exactly. Do not demand instant forgiveness, but give a loved one to answer.
“Relations are the work and responsibility of each partner,” summarizes Victoria Rasulova. – Remember that two should always work. Get your half the way and wait for your beloved in the middle. Do not run for two «.